If it was worth printing once...

In honor of Connecticut's governor finally resigning, I'm reposting this gem from 12/19/03. It caused some fits of giggles over at Information Virus: "you gotta read this, slowly, while not drinking any fluids that might shoot out your nose."

This article is beyond belief. I have to quote the whole thing and make fun of it.

Corruption claim governor says he was called by God
By David Rennie
(Filed: 19/12/2003)

The governor of the strait-laced New England state of Connecticut has rejected calls for his resignation over corruption allegations, saying he is in direct contact with God. [tasnote: It gets better.]

In a performance worthy of a fallen "televangelist" John Rowland, who has admitted accepting favours and gifts from powerful businessmen, defended his position by saying the Almighty had called to him "loud and clear" in his "adversity".[tasnote: ?????? WTF? I quoted this to my coworkers just to make sure I'm not nuts, and they have no clue what the governor said, either. In his adversity? What? I honestly have no clue what this means. This guy should step down becuase he doesn't know fucking English.]

Mr Rowland, a Republican who faces a federal inquiry into the awarding of lucrative state contracts, spoke flanked by local soldiers recently returned from Iraq.

He hailed the capture of Saddam Hussein, conceding that the operation did not involve any troops from his state, but adding: "It could have been any one of our Connecticut servicemen or women." [tasnote: I believe this is called trying to change the subject. And failing.]

He declared that such heroism "puts everything in perspective real quick". [tasnote: Actually, this is called being an asshole.]

At the same public appearance, before a sympathetic audience of businessmen and lobbyists [tasnote: You know, I just can't let this one pass without a comment. The governor has already admitted to the corruption, yet his audience of lobbyists and businessmen, the same group of people who paid for service to his summer home, are reported as being sympathetic?! Jesus Christ! Can we at least point out that these people are in knowing support of a criminal, and this is WRONG?!], the governor's wife delivered her own version of the poem The Night Before Christmas, in which she predicted that Father Christmas would deliver coal, rather than presents, to a local newspaper which unmasked her husband as lying about who paid for expensive repairs to their lakeside cottage.[tasnote: OK, this just goes beyond ridiculous. This is over the top. There's no word in the English language to describe this situation, but I'll make in attempt by quoting the governor: "Adversity."]

In the poem, which drew gasps from the audience [tasnote: Remember, the sympathetic audience!], Mrs Rowland compared staff at the Hartford Courant newspaper to "grinches who have stolen our tree". Her parody went on to describe a Christmas wish "for the man next to me: a new year that is peaceful and refreshingly free of rumours and hearsay that do nothing but smother the positive works we should do for each other". [tasnote: Thanks for addressing the issues involved in the situation, bitch. Let me translate since this couple seems to be English-impaired: "We did something wrong, but you should ignore that because we do good things while we ripoff the taxpayers with a smile!]

Connecticut, a haughty sort of place, is not accustomed to finding itself in the same lists as Louisiana or New Jersey, where corruption is more or less taken for granted among state politicians. Mr Rowland, a three-term governor, has vowed to remain in office despite being caught lying this month when he insisted that he paid for work at his cottage, including the installation of a hot tub.

Several of his aides also face inquiries, including a deputy chief of staff who pleaded guilty to steering state contracts to firms in exchange for cash and gold, some of which he buried in his backyard. [tasnote: Buried gold in his backyard? If this is indicative of the mentality of the people the governor had for his aides, this alone is enough to call for his removal.]
[EoF]

And I thought that the Rhode Island political scene was comical.